running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
