meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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