dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Randomize