ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
organizing the empties. That sober.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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