my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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