Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
