If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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