So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
