The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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