Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
