Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
