i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
