Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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