I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
