Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
you traded sex for a burrito?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
