Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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