I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I can feel your judgement through the phone
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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