I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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