Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
