I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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