The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
