Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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