i barfeds in our rink
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
