My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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