we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
God gave him joint rollers for hands
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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