I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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