I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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