i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
She told me I should be a condom model.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
