You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
