I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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