Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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