Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The uberlube is also flammable
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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