So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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