Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
