I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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