I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
