I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
