You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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