If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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