Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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