Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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