An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
