Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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