I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
