just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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