I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
