Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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