The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
