Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
