i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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