I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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