Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
