I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
