I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
