i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
