My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
There's always time for handjobs
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
