The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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