I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I did not marry a roomba.
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