I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
