Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
