I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
