i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
